he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
