Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
