I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
