Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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