im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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