The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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