Pants 0. Shit 1.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
