I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
