look no pants
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
