I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
