I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
