At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
