Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
