No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
