i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
