Tell her she can't have a vagina
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
