i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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