Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
