I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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