Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
