goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
