how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
