Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
