I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
barbara walters just said penis...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
