Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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