I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
someone threw a dead crab at me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
