She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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