I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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