The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
