Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
