sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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