Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
