I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
