i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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