So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
