my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
