he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Randomize
