so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
