moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
