Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
