I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
