Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
