I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
