Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
