Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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