Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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