She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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