dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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