come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
