wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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