I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
