the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
